I’ve been neglecting this blog for months because I’m trying to genuinely collect my shit together -neatly, if it’s possible- and get myself out of the pit I ended up with. I knew this would come, I knew it would. Before 2014 started, I knew that what I had originally planned isn’t going fall into the right place and I’m deeply devastated by it. I just couldn’t accept it right there and then and I still am in process of accepting it. It’s hard, so fucking hard. I thought I needed to see a shrink because my mind’s too clouded and I couldn’t think straight.I’m being honest here. I’m mortified of how things are happening around me. Most nights, I’m awake thinking and thinking and thinking. Just fucking thinking to exhaust myself. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep even if I want to. And if the grace of sleep should come, I wake up to the sound of my mother telling me that I’m having a bad dream and I’m screaming in my sleep.Writing what I felt, writing my fears, writing everything helped a lot. It’s like therapy and I’m clinging to it up until now. It’ll be a lie to say that I’m perfectly fine right now. I am not but I’m trying really hard even though I’m hurting. There’s a lot to it and the more that I dwell in this, the more that I’m learning new things about myself. I just don’t know if I should be completely happy about it because it entails something I’m not yet ready to answer.
"These bones will heal and I only want myself to do the mending."
I’ve had enough. Maybe it’s time unroll from these messed-up blankets and try to get sun. Start living. Again.
I hope everyone would stop asking me why I didn’t apply for med school this school year because it’s fucking troubling me more than you people do. Then you would add up and say ‘sayang ang taas ng NMAT mo.’ I’m an emotional dump right now so please stop asking because you’re pulling the trigger in every sense of the word.
I’ve been M.I.A. for months and I finally had plucked up the courage to type something done here even if it is going to be a bit bullshit in context. It sucks when you have to deal with personal issues and you can’t even tell anyone about it because you’re gonna sound like an overly-crazed mind-fucked person or be called mental. I can’t say I’ve come to terms with it but I’m trying really hard to put some sense in me if that’s the case. Be as it may, my birthday is coming. Haha.
I’m leaving this blog for a while. I just can’t stay here at this moment. I just can’t and also twitter. I’m a wreck- has been for a long time. That’s all.
I will learn new things
I will rebuild lost friendship
I will trust more
I will open-up myself
I will share what I have
I will give my best
And I will fall in love
but then again, maybe I won’t.
Just a few hours left before the sunrise and I am thinking of you reading this (if you are even existing), thinking of my friends, my thesis, and all the craps and the bullshits laying low just waiting to be stimulated all over again. Fuck that potato right in front of me. How I wish that I could lock my mind away from these strings of poisonous thoughts.
Merry Christmas everyone! I may not be able to receive all of the things I’ve listed on my wishlist but I’m still thankful that I’m celebrating it with my family and close relatives. Plus the barbecues are everywhere. There’s no other great food for me (this time around) against this barbecue dipped in vinegar. I could see stars and even angels descending from the sky surrounding me while savoring every bit of it. One more thing, I wish that those living in Visayas will still have a happy Christmas. I wanna share all these barbecue with you guys if only I could go there. Again, Merry Christmas.
I’m accepting gifts all-year-round. Lalo na if it’s a penny cruiser, a pair of green 1460’s, and love. Haha :)
Pain is an inspirational tool. It’s what makes most of the artists. Their art is pain transformed into something derisive, deluding, and dismantling.
I will try to be strong and you’re right. I never thought that someone like you really cares even if I don’t know you personally. Thank you dear :))